


Whiskey in Mind

by saucyminx



Series: The House Rules [4]
Category: Real Person Fiction
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-04-17
Updated: 2011-04-17
Packaged: 2017-10-28 12:46:55
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 17,862
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/308023
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saucyminx/pseuds/saucyminx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A novel length story of a struggling country singer and the young man who tries to change his life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

It seemed strange to Christian how quickly he had become used to having Chad in his life. It was still only weeks since they'd met and the first morning he woke up, not really knowing where they stood, he felt sick about it. The thing was, it was his fault entirely and he knew it. Chad had just been acting the way he always did, feeling things too strongly and wanting to speak about them. Christian knew that there were a thousand ways he could have responded to a declaration of _love_ that wouldn't had made Chad look the way he had. He'd hurt Chad, and he figured it was probably something that he could never make up for.

Christian moved about in a bit of a daze in the three days leading up to their next show at the Silver Spur. They'd been invited back to perform a full night's show, three sets and all original material if they’d wanted. It was a big break and Christian _should_ have been really excited about it.

What Christian was thinking about - was _Chad_. He thought about the way Chad always listened to him, really listened - not just sitting, waiting for his turn to speak. He missed the gentle way that Chad would prod him to speak, how he seemed genuinely interested in what was going on in Christian's mind. And he missed the feeling of losing himself in the warmth and solidity of Chad's body. Smooth flesh under his palms, lips moving over his skin, the way Chad just tore him apart and put him back together again all at the same time.

But Chad didn't call Christian and Christian was too scared to call Chad. If he didn't call, didn't hear Chad say the words "we're not together" then he could still convince himself that somehow things were going to work out.

Steve was no help. He asked about Chad once - asked if he'd "finally kicked Chad to the curb" and Christian had to leave the kitchen before he punched the man. Best friend or not, Steve had cut Christian to the quick with that one. He found himself watching Steve, wondering about the differing stories he got from both men. But with no Chad in his life, it was hardly time for Christian to break off things with Steve. Yeah, he was a grown man and yeah, he had no idea if he'd actually survive on his own or just drink himself to death, passed out in some dive bar and choking on his own puke. He thought about that. He thought about dying and wondering if anyone would actually care. Yeah, it was a _great_ life without Chad, and knowing what he'd lost made it seem even worse.

When the night of the show finally arrived, Christian checked with the bar nearly a dozen times to make sure that Chad was on the guest list. _Chad and Guest_. Steve finally told him that if he called to check again he was going to smash what was left of his phone.

Yeah, that happened too - the phone was busted down the side and the only reason Christian hadn't changed it was because it had pictures of him and Chad on it and he couldn't figure out how to get them off.

So.

Christian seemed to rather suddenly find himself standing back stage, listening to the crowd buzzing quietly. Johnny Cash was blaring over the sound system and he was holding a beer that Steve had slid into his hand. The set list was engrained on his mind. He knew all the lyrics, the order of each set - Steve had even planned out some things for him to say between songs so he didn't look so much like a "deer in the headlights" when it came to speaking.

He hopped up onto the edge of the stage and peered out from behind the curtain. It kind of made his chest ache a little. The curtain still smelled the same as it had the first night Chad had been there: musty, smoky and like stale alcohol. But usually, if Chad was at a show, he would have headed backstage to let Christian know. Letting the curtain fall back, Christian sat down and drank his beer. No point in fretting, if Chad didn't come - then he didn't come. That was Christian's answer, he supposed.

Steve set his guitar on its stand and shoved at Christian's shoulder as he walked past. "Gettin' myself another drink, you want anything, Kane?"

"Yeah." Christian held up his beer bottle.

Turning his wrist, Steve glanced at his watch. "Fifteen till will go on. Be back in a few."

"Hey," Christian reached out and grabbed Steve's wrist. "If you see him, Chad? Will you tell him to come back stage after the show?"

Steve lifted an eyebrow and twisted his wrist out of Christian's grasp. "Okay, your funeral."

"Thanks," Christian said. He watched Steve unlock the door and head out, then went back to drinking his beer.

Chad didn’t remember going to his classes, though he knew he did. He even took a test that he was absolutely certain he failed but, whatever. It seemed impossible to focus past the gnawing ache in his chest. Chad tried to drink himself into oblivion so he wouldn’t think about the fact that Christian wasn’t calling. All it did was make him relive, in drunken, blurry vision, their first time together on the beach, leaving Chad horny and lonely and miserable.

And caused him to wake up with a headache and stomach cramps.

Chad felt horrible. He missed Christian; he stared at his phone until his eyes nearly bled and still the man didn’t call. Chad desperately hoped that they were still together, that Christian hadn’t given up on him, but it seemed like all the signs were bad. So the night of the concert he called Christian, knowing the man was likely already backstage but wanting to see if he’d still be allowed to come.

Steve answered. Of course. Because that was exactly what Chad needed to hear. Chad asked to speak to Christian; Steve said he was busy getting ready and hung up. Chad felt sick all over again as he stared down at his phone - with the background of him kissing Christian’s cheek, the ocean in the background, the image he hadn’t been able to change or even consider removing.

Sighing, Chad had shaken his head and pressed forward. He didn’t care if Christian didn’t want him to be there, he hadn’t missed a show since he met the man and he wasn’t going to start now.

His name was on the list and that made Chad’s heart lurch with hope. Christian had put him there and even if it had been a few days ago, before the whole _love_ fiasco, he hadn’t taken him off the list so that was something. The crowd was bigger than last time and Chad liked to think that he’d helped with that, with the Facebook thing. Chad was halfway to the backstage area when he stopped, realizing he might not be welcome back there like before.

Turning, he headed back to the bar and passed on the alcohol. His method for dealing with stressful situations was very much not the same as Christian’s.

He scanned the crowd, hoping someone from the band would come up to the bar like normal and order some drinks. Then he could get them to pass along a message to Christian and Chad might finally get to see the man again after what felt like a lifetime. He’d give anything for just one more kiss, hell, even a hug. God, Chad was so desperate he probably would settle for a smile directed towards him.

When he spotted Steve he hesitated. They certainly weren’t friends, and Steve probably hated him even more than usual, but if Steve was getting the drinks for the night then Chad wouldn’t get another chance. “Steve,” he called over the music, grabbing the man’s arm after he’d yelled his order to the bar tender.

Steve turned his head slowly and his smile faded. Dropping his gaze to Chad's hand on his arm, he raised an eyebrow and looked back up. "What you doin' here?"

Chad pulled his hand back and swallowed thickly. “I came to see him. Will you tell him I’m here? Ask him if I can come backstage?” Chad frowned when Steve just continued to stare at him. “Please? Steve? If you just- if you care about him at all at least let me have the chance to apologize again. You have to admit I made him happy.” Until he fucked up, at least.

“Look. I don’t want to get in the middle of this mess. I’ll tell him you’re here. Just...wait at the bar and I’ll tell him that if he wants to see you, that you’re here. Okay?” Turning back to the bar Steve grabbed the beers and tilted his head slightly. “Don’t hold your breath, though.”

“What does that mean?” Chad called out over the music but Steve was already turning and weaving through the crowd. Christian would come talk to him. He wouldn’t just leave Chad out there at the bar. For Christ’s sake, it had only been three days, Christian wouldn’t snap back to his old ways that fast. Chad hoped.

Steve yanked the door open and slipped backstage quickly, setting the beer down on the small table.

Christian looked up and smiled slightly. “Devil on your tail?”

“What?” Steve exchanged Christian’s empty beer bottle for a full one.

“You just looked like you were trying to escape from someone. Got a rabid Carlson fan out there?” Christian leaned back to see if he could see any sign of Chad around the old curtain.

“He’s not here,” Steve said quickly.

Christian sighed and took another mouthful of beer. “I guessed as much.”

“Just let it go, man. He hasn’t even tried to call you, right?” Steve walked over and sat down beside Christian. Slinging his arm over his friend’s shoulders he smiled. “You shouldn’t have expected anything to come of that - he’s just a kid.”

Christian nodded slowly. “I dunno, I just. Well, I guess it’s done now.” If Chad didn’t want to see him, then Christian would go along with that. After all, it had been his original plan.

“Kane, we got a show to do. Let’s kick some ass.” Steve slapped Christian’s back and moved off to pick up his guitar.

Standing at the bottom of the stairs for a few moments, Christian watched everyone get settled as he downed the rest of his beer. Maybe Steve was right - maybe it was time to move on. Get out before he got so messed up there was no going back. And maybe, Chad really was better off without him and he’d realized that - Christian couldn’t think of another reason for Chad’s absence.

Climbing the stairs, he swung his guitar up and hooked the strap on and struck the cord to the first song.

  
As the lights dimmed for the concert Chad slumped down on the bar stool. He had been clinging to the hope that Christian would come out and find him, just for a few minutes, just to acknowledge he was there. But as the man stepped out onto stage Chad’s heart sank. Maybe there hadn’t been enough time, maybe he would find him after the set.

He stopped thinking about it so much when Christian finally took his place up at the mike. The man’s hair was tied back, a hat pulled low over his brow, but Chad could easily imagine what it would look like if it were down. The first sound of Christian’s voice, a low deep murmur in the microphone, sent a shudder down Chad’s spine. He hadn’t even realized just how much he’d missed that voice.

Chad’s heart began to race as the man began to sing. Chad wanted to say that he looked a little wrecked and worn out, like maybe he missed Chad as much as Chad missed him. But as the set continued Christian fell into a natural flow and he goofed off with Steve, laughed and smiled, and Chad couldn’t convince himself that Christian was that good of an actor.

It was going to hurt to stay and watch the entire performance but nothing short of a fire could get Chad from that bar. If this was the end for them then this was his last chance to see him on stage and Chad wasn’t giving that up. When Christian played _Something’s Gotta Give_ Chad’s mouth went dry. But unlike every other concert since he’d written the song, Christian didn’t dedicate it to him, and Chad nearly had to stumble to the bathroom to throw up, but he managed to keep it down.

He’d wait it out, he’d drink in his fill of Christian on stage, and maybe after the concert the man would come and find him. Maybe he still had a chance. Chad still wasn’t above getting on his hands and knees to beg.

 

They drank, and played, and Christian just let himself go. Eyes closed, he belted out the lyrics to all their songs - gave it his all. The audience was clapping, cheering, calling out his name and handing tumblers of whisky forward to the stage. The pain that burned away inside him dulled until it was just a dull cinder of hurt. Music - he could still have the music like he always had.

About halfway through the second set, Christian noticed a blonde down along the front of the stage. Maybe his heart was still making him scan the crowd for Chad - but this man - was no Chad. He was blond, shorter, more muscular and he was _absolutely_ trying to catch Christian's eye.

Steve wandered over toward Christian while they were playing and nudged his side, nodding in the direction of the blond. Leaning in, his lips brushed Christian's ear as he yelled, "he wants you, Kane." Christian shook his head and shoved playfully at Steve. It was like old times. Steve teasing him, his mind whirling with the gentle, dulling buzz of alcohol.

The song ended and Christian grabbed the microphone. Adjusting his hat, he squinted out over the crowd and when he saw no sign of Chad his gaze settled back down on the blonde in the front row.

As he glanced down at the blonde he saw the man reach forward to set a bottle of Jack on the front of the stage. "That a request?" Christian laughed and leaned down to snatch the bottle up. Spinning the top off, he took a swig from the bottle and handed it back down to the blonde man. "So, I'm gonna go with _Whisky On My Mind_ as your request." He smiled warmly at the man, who raised his eyebrows and bit down on his bottom lip. Christian heard Steve start laughing again and turned long enough to shove at Chris before he called out "one, two, three, _four_."

The band was tight, they knew the song well - it was an old one and they'd always had a good time playing it. Every now and again Christian leaned down to take the bottle of Jack and take a swig from it. During the last bridge, he saw Steve take a knee by the blonde and talk to him. Frowning at his friend, Christian finished off the song and then headed over to him. "What are you doin'?"

Steve grinned from ear to ear as he started in on the next song. "Nothin'," he called out and leaned against Christian's side as he played.

They swayed and laughed, shoved at each other and managed to get through the last of the set without anyone falling off the stage. The crowd was so into the show that they called them back for an encore. All in all it wasn’t so bad, considering how Christian had felt when he got to the bar that afternoon.

Steve caught him around the shoulders in a hug and dragged him down the stairs. They practically ended up in a heap at the bottom and Christian couldn't help laughing. He hadn’t laughed since he’d last seen Chad and it felt good to let go a little.

Sinking down onto the beat-up couch left backstage for bands, Christian pulled his hat off and tugged his hair down. It was damp with sweat and stuck to his face so he yanked his over shirt off and used it to wipe at the back of his neck. “Jesus, it was hot out there.”

“You were on fire, son!” Steve stumbled over and threw himself down on the couch next to Christian.

Someone banged on the stage door and Steve looked up at Christian. “That’ll be for you, Kane.”

“For me?” Christian rubbed his shirt over his face. His heart might have jumped a little, insisting that there was still a sliver of a chance that it might be Chad.

Groaning, he pushed up off the couch and fumbled with the lock until he got it open. It was the blonde from the front row. He _was_ muscular, and he was about the same height as Christian, which meant he was staring straight into pale blue eyes. “I’m Riley,” the man said. He held out his hand and Christian shook it firmly.

He tilted his head slightly when he heard Steve laughing behind him.

Riley shrugged, not letting go of Christian’s hand. “Steve said you wanted me to come backstage. I thought he was probably lyin’ but I think you’re hot so I figured - what the fuck?”

Christian laughed softly and pulled the man in through the door. “Steve, you are a _fucker_. You, Riley, are a brave and honest man. We can use more of those.” He kicked at Steve’s feet as he moved over to grab a beer from the bucket of ice the club owner had left them. Handing one to Riley, he smiled. Riley wasn’t so bad. A few beers and Riley would be great.

Chad tried not to think about how much Christian had been drinking during the show; he told himself it was no more than usual, but he knew it was. There was a different stagger to Christian’s step as he left the stage so Chad figured he’d be back there for a while.

Most of the bar crowd began to clear out, heading for a club a few buildings down that had cheaper drinks and the chance to dance. Chad watched a few people disappear back stage but nobody came out. Last time they’d performed, Christian had come out front; Chad could only assume he would this time as well.

But after an hour with no one Chad started to wonder if Christian would take the back exit just to avoid him. He wanted to be annoyed that the man couldn’t even be strong enough to walk past him but he was still too heartsick to muster any anger.

When Steve finally appeared, Chad decided he once more had to approach the guy. Chad had, at some point, made the decision that he wasn’t taking no for an answer. He was going to see Christian, going to demand a few minutes of his time, and he refused to break down until he had that chance.

So he caught Steve around the wrist, stopping him from talking to a few girl’s he’d been heading toward. He could tell Steve was annoyed the minute the man turned to face him. “Hey. Sorry, I know... look, can you just tell him I need one minute? That’s it. Just one minute.”

Steve shook his head. "Chad, I'd _love_ to, but I can't. He's not even here. He went home 'bout half an hour after we finished." He smiled slightly, fingers brushing the underside of Chad's wrist. "Come and have a drink with us. I'm sure I can take your mind off Kane.”

If Chad didn’t know better, he would think Steve was _hitting_ on him. That was ludicrous. “He left?” He pulled his hand back and looked toward the stage door, then toward the front. “But I didn’t see him.”

“Back door,” Steve muttered. He gestured toward the women at the table behind him. “C’mon, have a beer. Or... I mean, you could catch him before he goes to sleep. You _do_ have a key still, right?” Steve smirked and headed over to the table. “Hello, Ladies!”

Chad watched Steve’s back for a moment before turning and heading out of the bar. He did still have a key. And Christian wouldn’t be able to avoid him if he just showed up and let himself in.

 

Chad thought over a million things to say as he drove to Christian’s. He couldn’t land on anything specific though, just knew that he had to come up with a way to convince Christian that he was worth it. He would swear that he had just been lost in the romantic swell of their night together, that he was just being a kid, and that he would never push for anything more as long as it meant that they could be together.

The house was as busy as it usually was after a gig. Chad didn’t recognize anyone, outside a couple of the band members but they didn’t see him. He navigated his way quickly down the hall and palmed his keys, sliding through the set until he had the one to Christian’s door in hand.

Shoving the key into the lock, Chad inhaled quickly to steady his nerves, knowing he’d only have a few minutes to get out whatever he had to say before Christian could kick him out. His eyes closed for just a beat and he reminded himself to savor the presence of the man near him again just in case it was the last chance he got.

Of course, nothing could have prepared him for what he did see.

His shoulder shoved the door open as he twisted the lock and his mouth was already forming words that died in his throat almost just as quickly. “Christian I know I-”

The scene was almost slow motion - Christian and some guy with short blonde spikey hair. One of Christian’s hands was curved through the hair, the other shoved down the front of opened jeans. They were both shirtless and the guy’s hand was shoved just as far down Christian’s jeans. There was a flush on Christian’s cheeks that Chad was all too familiar with and they both wore similar expressions of wide, surprised eyes and kiss-swollen lips.

Chad couldn’t describe the way everything in him sank in time with the drop of his jaw. He thought maybe, just maybe, his glasses were making him see things. Maybe he was still drunk and this was a horrible nightmare. But the doorknob he still gripped under his hand was solid and real, along with the stop-start-stutter of his heart. And all he could do was stare, too shocked to move.

“Chad?” Christian untangled himself from Riley and took a step closer to Chad with his hands held out. “What are you doing here?” It was a stupid question but Chad was _there_ and it was the worst possible timing.

“What am I...” Chad repeated incredulously, eyes slowly moving from the guy to Christian, his gaze drifting down to where he could see the man’s obvious arousal. It was another punch in the gut and Chad hissed as he stepped back. “Jesus _Christ_ , it’s been three fucking days. Was I even _anything_ to you?” Chad stumbled back, his shoulder hitting the wall. “Steve said you didn’t want to see me but I didn’t think- _fuck_.” Chad’s vision blurred with tears and he turned, stumbling blindly out into the hall.

Christian's mind was spinning out of control. "He what? Wait - Chad!"

Riley bent down and picked up his shirt. "So - should I stick around or what?"

"Get out." Christian snatched his shirt off the floor and flung the door open to try and catch Chad. He saw the man disappearing through the crowd, heading toward the front door and broke into a run. Shoving people out of the way he ignored the calls to _lighten up_ and barged through the crowd.

"Chad!" He called out as he stumbled down the front steps. Losing his balance he side-stepped into a flower bed and nearly fell, then managed to straighten out in time to catch Chad's hand at the end of the sidewalk. "Wait, Jesus..." He was panting, his heart beating painfully hard in his chest.

“Don’t touch me,” Chad spat and jerked his hand back, spinning toward Christian and trying to glare through the tears. He tried to be angry, pissed, like he should be. Maybe he just had to get over the heart-crushing pain of learning that he really was nothing to Christian at all. “What the hell was this?” Chad stepped away from him, yanking his glasses off and wiping them quickly on the edge of his shirt just so he had a reason to look down. “Was it like, like a game or something? Something you play with Steve? Get the stupid geeky college boy to fall for you; whoever does it fastest and hurts him the worse wins the grand prize?”

Hands snapping out to the side, Chad backwards-stepped and looked up to let Christian see how upset he was. “Well guess what, you won. Congratulations, Christian, my heart is officially broken, go find your asshole best friend and claim your prize.”

Christian's stomach turned. "Just listen to me, Chad. I don't know _what_ you're talking about." The street was tilting a little and Chris swayed slightly. "I don't know what's going on." He couldn't tear his eyes away from Chad's tear-streaked cheeks and stepped forward, lifting his hand, only to drop it when Chad looked like he might bolt. "I waited for you to come back stage and you didn't. Steve said you weren't there. You gave up. I don't...what's- what's going on?"

“Steve said?” Chad looked to the side and blew out a low breath, shaking his head. “Fucking great. So he _is_ the douche I said he was. I was there, Christian, I was fucking _there_ before you went on stage, I saw the entire show. I saw _Steve_ at the bar and he said you didn’t want to see me. Then I saw him after and he said you were here, that you left out the back. Now I see why.” Chad gestured toward the house and wiped angrily at his eyes. He felt a little like he was going to be sick and he wanted to believe Christian but he wasn’t sure it mattered even if he did.

Christian slid his hands up into his hair and gripped tightly. The cool air was chilling his skin and his feet were aching against the cold concrete but he didn't care. "I didn't know. And Riley - Steve brought him backstage. I didn't want - Chad, you didn't call me. I figured you didn't want anything to do with me anymore." Christian's head was starting to ache and he dropped his hands, stepping closer to Chad.

“I fucking called you tonight,” Chad snapped and stepped back, shaking his head. “And as for the other days, of course I didn’t fucking call, Christian. The last conversation we had, if you remember, ended with you saying _you’ll be just fine, Chad_. People only say that to people they dump. I was terrified that if I called you’d hang up on me. And I called tonight, Steve answers, and he hangs up on me. Are you seriously trying to justify all of this? Because even after three fucking days I would still think I meant just a _little_ something to keep you from hooking up with the first guy that your asshole best friend parades in front of you.”

"Since when have I ever known what the _fuck_ I'm doing?" Christian raised his voice slightly. "And stop moving away from me, what the fuck do you think I'm gonna do to you?" Stuffing his hand into his pocket he realized his jeans were still unbuttoned and tried to do them up. "I'm not trying to jus- justify anything. I don't understand."

Scrubbing a hand against his face, Christian groaned. "I was hurt and fucked up. Chad, I'm drunk... I don't even, I'm not sure how we even got back here. I'm not trying to justify anything, I'm just telling you I didn't know that you called and Steve said you didn't come to the show and I thought that it was over. That was _it_ in my mind. I didn't know what else to do." Sighing, Christian's shoulder slumped and he held out his hand. "Come inside."

“No.” Chad didn’t even hesitate with his answer. Apparently, this was the moment the anger was really going to kick in. “I’m kind of a little done with your excuses. Sure you don’t know what the hell you’re doing but you should fucking know if your heart feels something. And if it really did? If you cared at _all_ for me, then you wouldn’t have even considered-” Chad cut himself off mid-rant and shook his head. “You know what? Fucking forget it. I’ve spent the last three days crying, I’m exhausted and going home.”

"I didn't think you cared about me!" Christian yelled. Tears welled in his eyes and he moved quickly toward Chad, grabbing the man's shoulders and holding him there. "I thought you finally woke up and figured out what a useless fuck-up I was. Steve said you would... and that guy - I don't even know him. I just, I wanted to feel something other than fucking _pain_ because that's all that it's been since you got out of my truck. I thought it was over. _You and I_ were over and it fucking hurt. It's not supposed to hurt like that - and I - and I just wanted someone...I wanted you." Christian's jaw clenched around the final words as his fingers dug hard into Chad's shoulders. "Don't make it be over." He was shaking, vision blurred by tears and he wasn't entirely sure he wasn't going to just collapse.

Chad stared at Christian with wide eyes, trying not to give in to the part of him that wanted to lurch forward and throw his arms around the man. He smelled like he always did, a mixture of musky sweat and alcohol. Then Chad caught the whiff of cologne that likely came from the other man and Christian’s lips were still just a little bit swollen. His heart clenched and he stepped back out of Christian’s firm grasp.

“I told you I love you. You don’t magically fall out of that in a matter of days, Christian. And I meant it but I was willing to pretend I didn’t if it meant still being with you. This though, that guy, I can’t just pretend _that_ didn’t happen. How am I supposed to believe I mean anything to you after seeing that?” Chad shook his head and sniffed, wiping under his eyes again. “I need time, and space. Call me some time when you’re sober if you still feel the same as you do right now.”

Tugging his shirt closed, Christian folded his arms across his chest and nodded slowly. "I'm sorry," he said softly. There were so many things he was sorry for he didn't even _try_ to figure out what to say. "I'll call you. I swear. I-" Staring at Chad, Christian couldn't take it any longer and launched himself forward. Snatching Chad forward he pulled him into his arms and pressed his face into the crook of Chad's shoulder. "I promise, I'm so sorry," he choked out.

Against his control, Chad wrapped his arms around Christian, for just a second. He wanted this, _god_ he wanted Christian again. But he wasn’t an idiot and he was sure if he kissed Christian now the man would taste like a stranger. And a lot of alcohol. “I gotta go.” Chad choked on the words and twisted back, tearing a hand angrily through his hair. “I- just- I gotta go.” He shook his head, turning to head toward his car. It’d be a miracle if he made it home without killing himself.

“Chad,” Christian called out. “I’ll call you - in a few days. I’ll get myself together.” Sighing, he shoved his hands in his pockets and took a step backwards then sat down hard on the grass behind him.

Sinking onto the driver’s seat, Chad closed the door with nothing more but a half-wave at Christian. He couldn’t really talk anymore. He wanted to just collapse against the wheel and cry himself into unconsciousness but one look back out the window told him Christian was still sitting there and - no matter how hurt Chad was - he didn’t think he’d be strong enough to say no again.

So he started the car and grabbed his cell phone, scrolling through his contacts until he was hitting Jared’s name and pressing the device to his ear. It was after one in the morning and Jared sounded half-asleep when he answered.

“Jared?” He choked on the name, his voice wavering.

“Chad? What is it? What’s wrong?” In the background there was a quiet _Jay? Who’s it?_ And Jared shushed him softly. “Chad?”

Chad was staring in his rear view mirror at the image of Christian sitting in the grass. Truthfully? He’d only called Jared so someone would be strong enough to convince him not to turn around and go back. “I’m sorry. I just need- can I come over? I need to talk to someone.” He’d made it three days without leaning on his ex-boyfriend for support; he figured he deserved to break down with someone able to hold him up for a little while.

“Shit, yeah, Chad. You okay? Where are you? Need me to come get you?”

Jared really always had been a great friend; Chad probably wasn’t such a good one in return. “I’m on my way over.” He hung up because Jared would ask for more details and he could barely see the road through his tears as it was. It was going to be one hell of a night.

Christian wasn't sure how long he sat outside on the grass but by the time he headed back inside his ass was frozen and he couldn’t really feel his fingers. Riley was long gone and Christian wasn't sorry. It might not have been Riley's fault that everything went south but he just didn't have it in him to try and explain to anyone what was going on.

In a feeble attempt at sobering himself up, Christian got into a lukewarm shower. The party was already dying down and he knew that Steve would be home sooner rather than later. Even if he'd picked someone up at the bar he'd bring her back to the house. Old habits died hard. Scrubbing the smell of Riley's cologne off his chest, Christian leaned his head against the cool tile. He was his own worst enemy.

He stayed in the shower too long but actually felt like he could see a little more clearly when he climbed out of the tub. He hunted around for clean clothes and got dressed, then headed down the hall. The house was almost deserted and it only took him about fifteen minutes to get rid of the stragglers.

Then he grabbed a soda from the fridge and sat on the couch in the dark living room and waited.

He had no idea how long he waited for Steve to come home. He was lost in thoughts about the day by the ocean, the way Chad had looked earlier that night - the way the tears streaked down his cheeks. He was just lost. That is until Steve flicked the light on and wandered into the living room. Then Christian felt like he knew, for once, what he wanted.

Steve’s eyes were heavy-lidded but he was sober enough. “What the fuck are you doing out here in the dark, ya weirdo?”

Christian stood slowly, hands slipping into the pockets of his jeans. “What happened tonight with Chad?”

“Chad? I - I saw him after the show - told him you came back here.” Steve scratched at the side of his head and looked away.

“And? What about the phone call earlier tonight-”

“Oh shit! I forgot to tell you about that. But he just - he didn’t leave a message or anything.” Steve sighed and dropped his hands. “What’s going on?”

Christian’s eyes were locked on Steve. He knew his best friend well, and Steve was nervous. “He called and you told him I was busy, right? And you saw him before the show and you didn’t tell him that I wanted to see him.” Christian walked forward slowly but Steve stood his ground.

“Don’t get me involved. I told _him_ that after the show; I don’t wanna be in the middle of this stupid fling you got goin-”

“It’s not a fling. It’s not anything now because you - you just. You know what? It’s not even _your_ fault. It’s _my_ fault that this got so fucked up and I ruined the best thing I ever had. The _best_ thing. Did you _get_ that Steve? That guy - Chad? Yeah - the one you lied to about me, you lied to him for some fucked up reason.”

“What does it _fucking_ matter?” Steve spat. He jabbed at Christian’s chest. “Like you said, _friend_. This is _your_ fault. So – what, he didn’t like coming over here and finding you fucking some _other_ blonde?”

Christian’s fist connected hard with Steve’s jaw. It stung and he was pretty sure he broke part of his hand but it was the most satisfying feeling he’d had in a long time. Steve was a big guy and probably expecting the punch in a way. He stumbled back and slammed into the wall. “You _fuck_...”

Christian closed the distance between them and grabbed two fistfulls of Steve’s shirt and shook him once, then slammed him back against the wall. “You had _no_ right to mess around in my life like that. No right, Steve. This was probably my one chance-”

“You’re so fucking blind. You don’t even see what’s right under your nose. You and me, Kane. We’re a team, we’re good together.” Steve’s hand slid up Christian’s arm and tangled in his hair. “We can be better. Better than what you had with that college kid.”

Christian slammed Steve against the wall again and stumbled back quickly. “He was right.”

Steve’s eyes were wide and he rubbed at the side of his jaw. “Wh-what?”

“Chad. Chad said you were... he said you were doing this because you had a _thing_ for me. And I blew it off. I told him that I knew you-”

“It’s not that simple, Kane... Christian. Listen. Things change, people change and I didn’t - I mean, yeah, I want - I think you and I are good together.” Steve took a step closer and Christian raised his hands.

“I will fucking punch you again if you come near me.” Christian’s voice was low, hard and he huffed out a breath.

“Fuck you, ya will. C’mon. We get through everything. We always come out the other side okay. We can survive this little fling of yours-”

Maybe it was Steve using the word _fling_ again, maybe it was the self-satisfied look on his face, maybe it was just time. Christian swung hard again, slamming an upper cut into the bottom of Steve’s jaw, sending him back over the coffee table. “Fuck you,” he hissed.

Steve groaned and rolled to the side, kicking his legs out of the mess of music books and bottles that had fallen with him. “Jesus, Kane... “

“Enough. I’m moving out tomorrow. Fuck you, and fuck all this stupid shit. I’ll decide what to do about the band later. They don’t deserve to be fucked over just because you’re an asshole.” Christian walked backwards to the doorway and leaned heavily against the door frame. “You were my _best_ friend. You could have told me anything.”

Steve groaned again and managed to sit up. His lip was bleeding and he wiped at it angrily. “ _You_ are a fuck-up, Kane. You always have been and you always will be or it wouldn’t be so easy to watch you destroy yourself. Everyone around you knows you’re on a fast train to nowhere. Just take a look at yourself sometime.” He spat blood out onto the carpet beside him and glared up at Christian.

“I’ll be gone tomorrow morning. I’ll leave the keys and some money. Don’t call me.” Turning, he headed down the hall to his room and slammed the door, and then locked it. Leaning back against the door, Christian sucked in a breath and slid down to the floor. Letting his head fall back, he closed his eyes and cradled his hand against his chest. The throb of pain somehow kept him from falling to pieces because right at that moment it felt like he really had nothing. Nothing at all.

“Jared, I’m fine, really,” Chad sighed as he opened the door and found Jared on the other side. He shouldn’t have been that surprised; Jared had been randomly showing up at his apartment twice a day at least for the past week. Ever since that night, where he’d showed up at Jared’s door at nearly two in the morning and burst into tears.

It was nice to know someone cared but Chad had kind of gotten used to his seclusion and privacy and Jared kept showing up with large boxes of pastry items. Chad was refusing to turn to alcohol to cut down the pain and Jared seemed to think various donuts and pies would ease the ache instead.

“I brought baklava,” Jared said happily and brushed past Chad, ignoring the man’s quiet insistence. “Have you ever had it? God, so delicious.”

Chad sighed again and slowly shut the door, his forehead resting against it for a long moment. He’d kind of maybe been hoping - just a little - that it would be Christian on the other side of the door. One week out and Chad had forgotten about the anger. Instead, he was stuck completely on aching, heart-wrenching loneliness. He’d be lying if he said he didn’t spend hours staring at his phone, wishing and hoping.

Chad wasn’t sure how things would go when, or if, Christian called. He wasn’t sure if he’d forgiven the man, but he knew they needed to talk. Mostly though? He just wanted to touch him for a while, kiss him, lay in his arms. He missed Christian so badly it sometimes hurt to breathe.

“Chad?” Jared said quietly, his voice right beside him and his hand settling on his shoulder. “No call then?”

“No, no call.” Chad stepped back and gave Jared a brief smile before turning to head for the kitchen. He really wasn’t in the mood for any more sweet food but he grabbed a couple of plates from the cabinet anyway. “I almost gave in and called him again this morning, but I just... couldn’t.”

Well, that and the background picture on his phone was _still_ the shot of them from the beach and Chad had gotten caught up staring wistfully down at it.

“He said he would call,” Jared offered quietly, taking a knife from the drawer and following Chad back to the table. “Maybe he meant what he said, you know, about getting his life in order a little before he called? You don’t want him to call and then find out you have to fix him again.”

Actually, that was exactly what Chad wanted. He could fix Christian, he knew how to do that. “Right,” Chad whispered and set the plates out in front of them. He took a seat as Jared cut them both a piece of the crumbly pastry, then turned to the kitchen to get some milk. Chad stared down at the food and tried to summon his appetite. It’d been pretty rare over the last week.

“Can I ask you a question?” Jared asked quietly as he poured them both a glass of milk.

Chad nodded, clearing his throat when he realized Jared wasn’t looking at him. “Sure, go ahead.”

“Were you like this when I- when we broke up?” Jared carried the milk over and set it in front of Chad, pushing his plate a little closer.

Chad looked up at him with wide eyes and slowly shook his head. “You can’t ask me that, it’s not fair.”

“Well, I just,” Jared sighed and picked at his food. “I kind of did the same thing. I mean, I didn’t cheat on you, no, not physically. But emotionally, yeah. And we were dating a lot longer, and you had said you loved me.”

Chad frowned and scratched at his temple. “I was upset. I was really upset. To give you some idea, Christian’s the first person I’ve dated since it happened.” He looked over at Jared then looked away. “But it’s different with Christian. You know how you felt with Jensen? How you met him and it just- it was so much. You just _knew_ you were meant to be. I didn’t get it back then and I thought you were full of it but now I do. Because I’ve felt it, with Christian. It happened so fast, began and ended just so fast.”

Jared flinched and nodded and Chad thought he understood on a different level now. Chad thought, _at least someone else could imagine his pain_.

It took a little over a week for Christian to put some aspect of his life back together. Steve kept his distance the morning after the fight and it didn't take Christian long to box up what he cared about and load up his truck. It was strange, leaving the house with little more than he had moved in with: his guitar, clothes, a box of books, his stereo and the CD that Chad had made for him. The furniture hadn't even been his.

Without a lot of effort he found a small apartment he could afford. It wasn't much; it was a little old but Christian spent a few days cleaning and fixing up what he could. When he was finished it wasn't all that bad and it was _his_ place. Chad has said that Christian should call him when he was sober, if he still felt the same, but somehow - it had seemed important to actually have a place first. He wanted to show Chad that he could do it, that he could actually make forward progress instead of backsliding.

But then there was nothing else left to do around the tiny apartment. No wood left to nail down, no edges to sand, no painting to do. Christian found himself sitting in the middle of his living room at the table he'd refinished, staring at his busted cell phone and trying to find the courage to make good on his promise to call Chad.

Spinning the phone a few times, Christian leaned against the wall and stared at it. Finally, he curled his fingers around it and pulled up Chad's number. His heart started racing as soon as he heard the dial tone. Covering his eyes with his free hand, he waited.

Baklava was actually pretty tasty, Chad discovered, and he didn’t feel as gluttonish as he felt when eating a donut, so that was something. Jared was trying to make him smile by telling a story involving Jensen, a ladder, and a framed picture that was apparently a bitch to hang up on the wall. Chad didn’t feel as guilty for smiling as he had most of the last week and he even found himself laughing softly as Jared parodied Jensen’s wind milling arms.

So when the phone rang it surprised him, causing him to jump. He’d set a ring tone for Christian weeks ago - _Fix You_ by Coldplay, ironically enough - so Chad didn’t have to look at the caller ID to know who it was. His eyes widened and he looked up toward Jared. “It’s him.”

“Should I go?” Jared asked, already standing.

“No. No, stay. Just, in case.” Chad smiled weakly at him and swallowed, not sure if he could handle this. But he had to. So he lifted the device and hit the screen, bracing himself as he pressed the phone to his ear. “Hello?”

"Hey," Christian said quickly. He'd been preparing himself for voice mail. "Thought you weren't gonna answer," he said softly. Warmth spread through his chest and he closed his eyes. “How you doin’?”

Chad thought about lying, but he wasn’t sure that would actually help Christian any. “Been better,” he said quietly and picked at the top layer of phyllo dough on the baklava. “You?”

"Well, some things are okay. Better. Some things kind of suck ass. Listen, you said I should call you. When I was sober...and if I still felt the same," Christian said. When he only heard Chad breathing he continued quietly. "I still feel the same." Opening his eyes he stared out the window.

Something in Chad’s chest leapt and he wet his lips, dragging a hand back up through his hair. “Okay. Well, I’m glad some things are okay. It’s been a long week- I mean, just, um. Okay. So.” It felt a little like someone had taken his ability to speak and threw it out the window.

"I said I'd get myself together, you know? I didn't want to call and just be in the same mess. I-" Christian sighed and closed his eyes again, pressing his forehead to the cool window pane. "I miss you," he said in an almost whisper. "I miss you a lot."

This time Chad’s heart lurched and his breath hitched. He felt Jared’s hand curl over his and squeeze reassuringly. “I miss you too, so much,” Chad whispered. He squeezed his eyes shut against the swell of ache and pain. “You okay? Things- I noticed that the gig for tomorrow night was canceled on Facebook.”

"Broke my hand," Christian murmured. “Takin’ a few weeks off to let it heal properly. Listen. Can you come over? I got - I got a new place. It’s just mine and it’s really small, and kind of old but …” His fingers pressed hard against his eyes and he realized that even being able to hear the sound of Chad’s breathing on the other end of the phone was making him feel better.

“You broke your hand?” Chad’s eyes snapped open and his gaze shot to Jared who looked equally confused. Then the rest of Christian’s request caught up with him and he cleared his throat. “Okay. Yeah. I mean, I’ll come over. When? Where’s your new place?” Chad could barely believe that so much had changed for the man in one week.

"I'm not doin' anything now. Are you busy? 'Cause I mean, I'd really like to fucking kiss you." The words kind of tumbled out of Christian's mouth and he groaned. "M'sorry. I mean, if you'd let me - but even if you don't want to I don't care - just come over and let me see you." Snapping his mouth closed he waited.

Chad couldn’t help smiling, which felt so _good_ in response to Christian’s fumbling words that he found himself laughing softly. “Yeah, okay. I can come over now.” He paused for a moment then said quietly. “And, I’d let you.”

"Yeah?" The band of tension around Christian's chest loosened a little and he drew in a deep breath. "Yeah. Good. I mean - wow - okay. I'm at the bottom of Wilson drive. Dark red heritage apartment building, bottom floor, come in the front and I'm in number two." Christian laughed quietly. "Okay. So I'll see you soon?"

“Yeah, soon.” Chad whispered, holding his breath so he could hear Christian’s fill the line. “Will you? Kiss me, I mean.” Chad could still far too easily remember standing outside Christian’s truck, half gasping, _I was just going to ask for a kiss goodbye_. If he’d only known back then how haunting those words would be.

"Yeah, Chad. I will. Probably more than once if it's okay." Christian laughed again, and stared out the window. "I'm watching for you, you're not here yet," he said softly. His lips were still curled into a smile.

“Better work on my secret magic ninja powers, then,” Chad muttered and slid back from the table. “I’ll see you soon.” He pulled the phone back and hung up before Christian could say more, just in case. Chad didn’t want to risk it.

Chad was halfway across the living room to his shoes before he remembered that he wasn’t alone in his apartment and he turned slowly to face his friend. “Shit. Jared, sorry, I-”

“Don’t worry, I get it.” Jared laughed and stood, flipping the lid shut on the nearby box. “But I’m taking my baklava.”

“Good, with all this sweet shit around here I’m gonna end up fat and Christian’s not gonna want me anymore.” Chad snorted then paused, his hand on his coat. He looked over at Jared and frowned. “You think I’m stupid for going back to him?”

“I think you love him. And I know you well enough to know you’re not giving up on that until you have no choice.” Jared shrugged and stepped up to Chad, ruffling his hair softly. “He doesn’t get a third chance though Chad, I don’t want to keep watching you get broken.”

“I know.” Chad nodded and decided it was best to not tell Jared that if it should happen again, he’d just keep it to himself because he’d probably give Christian as many chances as he wanted.

They headed out of the apartment together and Chad tried not to run to his car. He’d never been more excited and more nervous about anything in his life.


	2. Chapter 2

It wasn’t difficult to find Christian’s apartment building. Chad understood immediately what he’d meant when he said it was old. The building’s design was at least a couple of decades past new, but it looked well enough kept and Chad’s heart fluttered when his eyes landed on Christian’s familiar truck. He pulled into the spot beside the truck and swallowed thickly.

Chad knew he could do this, he could get out of his car and go and face the man that he was in love with that had - unintentionally - broken his heart. Maybe Christian would even fix it too, maybe he was really getting his life back together and he wanted Chad to be part of that.

Chad just prayed to whatever gay god was out there that he would still be enough for Christian. What if he wasn’t stimulating enough for a sober Christian? What if Christian thought Chad was still too young? Too immature?

Shaking his head to get rid of the thoughts, Chad reached out and grabbed a newspaper-wrapped picture frame. He’d stopped long enough to run into the drugstore and buy the frame, more than a little relieved that he’d already printed some of the pictures from his digital camera and he could just slip it into the frame, et voila: house warming gift.

Chad walked slowly to the building, slicking a hand back through his hair, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose. He could do this. _He could_.

Stopping at door number two, Chad wet his lips once before reaching up to knock. He felt like he might be a little sick to his stomach, and throwing up baklava sounded really unpleasant, but then the lock was turning and Chad couldn’t even entertain the notion of running away.

As Christian pulled the door open he felt a smile creep onto his face. “Hi,” he said softly. Chad looked nervous and a little thinner, his face drawn, but Christian had never seen a better sight. He reached out but then let his hand fall, suddenly a little unsure. “You wanna come in?”

“Yeah, okay.” Chad nodded and ran a hand back through his hair. He found himself looking around curiously. The living room was small, with a plain, slightly worn couch to one side and a small TV across from it. Christian’s guitar was on a stand next to the TV and Chad’s lips twitched into a soft smile. Beyond the room he could see the kitchen and a hallway but he turned back to Christian before exploring more. “I got you this.” He held out the newspaper-wrapped frame, slightly embarrassed now that he thought about what he was just assuming by the picture already in place. “It’s uh, a housewarming thing.”

Christian took the package and tugged at the edges of the paper. “Never had a house warming gift before,” he said quietly. Smiling, he pulled out the picture frame and caught his bottom lip under his teeth. It was a photo of them, taken during their time at the cabin. The picture was at an odd angle and their hair was blowing around them as Chad kissed Christian’s cheek. “It’s perfect,” Christian said.

Smiling, he looked up at Chad and walked over to set the frame in the middle of the coffee table. “I like it. Now I can finally get a new phone.” He laughed.

Chad frowned in confusion. “Why? What happened to your phone? And why couldn’t you get a new one?” Chad was maybe latching onto safe conversation topics for the moment. Because anything too serious seemed terrifying. It made his chest ache slightly; talking to Christian used to come so naturally.

"I only had photos of you on my phone. Chucked it against the wall after - well, it broke. Most of it broke anyway but I didn't want to get rid of it." Christian shrugged and scratched under the edge of his cast. "You want some coffee? I made some - it's not even strong, 'cause I know you hate it like that."

“Sure, okay.” Chad nodded slowly. He could guess when Christian chucked it against the wall and he thought Christian was smart not to elaborate. He trailed the man into the kitchen, continuing to look around curiously. “I like your place. It’s small but it’s nice. You don’t have a toaster. Do you want a toaster? I have an extra one. I could bring it over so you’d have a...” Chad blinked a few times, looking at Christian’s softly curled hair. “toaster,” he muttered, feeling his cheeks heat as he tried not to be embarrassed or get lost thinking about tangling his hand in the man’s hair.

"Sure," Christian laughed as he poured a couple of cups of coffee. He fixed Chad's with cream and sugar without even thinking and held it out to him. "Here, wanna sit?" Gesturing to the couch, he waited until Chad turned and then unconsciously slid his hand along the small of his back. It was just natural, something he'd done from the very first time he'd met Chad and he froze for a moment, nervous.

Chad’s stomach flipped and he forgot how much he’d enjoyed the little touches until that moment. He smiled over at Christian and waited for a moment to enjoy the touch before stepping forward. He settled onto the couch, sipping from his coffee and moaning softly. He’d always forgotten that Christian made the best coffee. “S’good,” he murmured, looking up at Christian with a lingering smile.

"So, you okay? You look like you lost a little weight." Christian sat down on the couch and turned a bit so he could look at Chad. There'd been more than enough time without looking at Chad.

“Yeah? I didn’t notice. I... you know, it’s been a rough few days.” Chad shrugged and sipped again from his coffee. “Jared kept bringing me all these pastry things. I thought I’d gained weight. Glad I didn’t.” He laughed weakly, swirling the coffee in his cup and watching it spin. “I’m okay, though. I’m good. No worries.”

"I'm sorry," Christian said quietly. He'd thought of about a thousand different ways to try and talk to Chad about what had happened between them but suddenly all of the practiced words just evaporated. "I panicked. I _panicked_ and I treated you - I should never have treated you the way I did. I know how much I hurt you." His hand lifted again, thoughts of comforting Chad forefront in his mind but he wasn't even sure he was a _comfort_ to him anymore.

Dropping his hand to his lap, Christian leaned forward to set his mug on the coffee table. "Anyway, for what it's worth. I would take it all back if I could, do it over, you know?"

“Yeah,” Chad murmured, slowly nodding as he thought over Christian’s words. There were quite a few things he probably would have done differently, as well. “It’s okay,” he finally added, smiling briefly over at Christian. “I mean, it’s not, or it wasn’t, but I just... I’m not angry at you anymore. Still kind of hurt by it all but I’m glad you called. I wanted to see you.” Chad brought his coffee up to sip from again, more for a distraction than anything else.

"I beat the shit out of Steve," Christian blurted out. He squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head. "I mean, we had a big fight... that night you left. And I punched him. A couple of times." He held up the cast. "Anyway, I called him on everything. He didn't admit much but I- well. Guess I had my eyes opened a little. He was - he was trying to interfere. I know it was _me_ who fucked things up - but he gave me the rope to hang myself with." Looking down at his cast, Christian sighed.

Chad had been so distracted by his own nerves that he hadn’t really noticed the cast. Now though, he set his mug down on the coffee table and reached out before he could think better of it. His fingers curled softly over the cast and he brought it forward until Christian’s hand was in his lap. “God,” he murmured softly, frown curving his lips down. “You can’t even play, can you?” He couldn’t imagine Christian not being able to play his guitar, so he thought about the amusing mental image of Christian kicking Steve’s ass, instead.

"Not right now, no. 'Sposed to leave my guitar alone for a while. Doc put the cast on to be sure my hand heals okay. She says there should be no problem after a few weeks." Looking up until Chad met his gaze, Christian pressed his lips together for a few moments, then reached out with his good hand to push Chad's glasses back up his nose. "So..."

“So,” Chad repeated, smiling softly at the familiar touch. It occurred to him that Christian’s hand was still in his lap, his fingers gently curved around Christian’s. They were sitting close enough now that their knees were touching and Chad’s heart skipped a beat. “Things gonna be okay with the band?” he asked quietly, knowing Christian had to be feeling horribly lonely, going from a life where he lived with friends and always had people around, to being alone all the time.

"I think so," Christian answered. "We're taking a break right now. I explained to everyone what happened with me and Steve. Steve's - well, he and I aren't talkin' right now. He wants to - but... well, I wanted a break." Shifting a little closer, Christian curled his fingers under the edge of his cast, mostly so he could feel more of the heat of Chad's leg. "I guess, you must be kinda through with me, huh?"

“Is that wishful thinking?” Chad whispered, looking down at Christian’s cast and then back up at the man. “Easier to let go if I’m not sitting around mourning you?”

"You were the only thing I never let go of," Christian almost whispered. His vision blurred a little and he lowered his gaze. "But I get - I get that I hurt you. And I'm lucky you're even here to talk to me." Blowing out a breath, he pulled his hand back and picked up his coffee again. "Did I tell you I refinished that table? Did it mostly one-handed, too."

Chad pursed his lips and frowned down at the place on his leg where the heat was still lingering. “It looks good,” he whispered after a few moments and reached out to tug his glasses off, wiping them on the edge of his shirt. “Christian, you know I...” Chad trailed off and sighed, shaking his head. “What else have you been up to?”

"You always do that, that thing with the glasses when you can't quite make up your mind about what to do." Christian spoke without turning to look at Chad. He could see the movement as clearly out of the corner of his eye as if it were happening right in front of him. "You made up your mind about what to do about me?"

Shoving his glasses back on, Chad blew out a low breath and wondered what kind of person it would make him if he just threw himself at Christian like he so badly wanted to. “You know, sometimes, I close my eyes and I can still see you and that guy, clear as day. I keep having these moments where I think things like, was he a better kisser than me? Did you find him more attractive? Would you do it again if we fought?” Chad blinked at the blur in his eyes and laughed weakly. “And then, right after I think all those things, I cry because I just want you back. Not because of everything you did. Makes me feel fucked up.”

Christian's chest felt tight and it ached and he tilted his head slightly to turn his face away from Chad. He had to clear his throat a couple of times to get words out. "I'm sorry, I - I don't know what to say. Do I wish I'd never met you so you could never have been hurt? No." He shook his head sadly and rubbed at his clenched jaw. "I wouldn't trade any of that - not for anything."

Blowing out a shaky breath, Christian pushed up off the couch and wandered over to the table. He sank down onto one of the chairs and pushed at the frame with the side of his cast. "Haven't had a drink since I walked out of Steve's house," he said quietly. "Don't mean much in the big scheme of things but - you know. It feels good."

Chad thought it was bittersweet that Christian had moved. Because, honestly? His next move likely would have been to screw the talking thing and just climb up into the man’s lap and beg to feel anything but pain again. It was probably better that they attempt to talk, though. “Yeah?” Chad looked over at Christian, lips twitching in a slight smile. “That’s good, Christian. It’s really good. Must feel good just knowing you can, right? That you don’t need it?”

Nodding slowly, Christian looked over at Chad. He could feel the tears welling in his eyes and kept his gaze locked on Chad's. "Is there anything I can do to get another chance? I know I don't deserve it - but - I - I fall asleep at night thinkin' about you and you're the first thing I think about in the morning. And a million times during the day I think, _I should call Chad and tell him-_ " A tear slid down Christian's cheek and he wiped at it with the back of his hand. "Just... could we just spend some time together? Just a little and..." Sucking in a breath, he rubbed at his face, frustrated that he couldn't get the words out right.

No part of Chad was really prepared to handle Christian crying. The sadness was etched on every inch of the man’s face and Chad sucked in a deep breath, surprised by how badly his chest was aching. In the next moment he was up off the couch, crossing to Christian and sinking to his knees in front of the man. His hands tangled up into the soft silky curls and his nostrils flared with the swell of emotions. “You said you’d kiss me,” he said quietly, blinking through his own tears up at the man.

"Wh-what?" Christian's hand curled around Chad's neck and he tried to steady his breathing. A small smile worked its way onto his lips and he shook his head slightly.

“You have to. I can’t- I’m not- I just need to know you still want me like that because I know I pushed things too far and I rushed into everything and I shouldn’t have told you I love-”

Christian's breath hitched and he slid off the chair, arms tightening around Chad's shoulders as he caught the man's mouth under his own. Moaning instantly - hell- maybe it was a half-sob, Christian pulled Chad so tightly against him that he wasn't sure either of them could breathe. Chad's lips parted slightly and Christian's entire body trembled as their mouths moved together tenderly.

Chad had to clutch at Christian because it felt like he was just going to float away and it was strange, the way he’d never felt like this before. It felt like it had been years that he’d known Christian and years since they’d last kissed and Chad never wanted to stop. A weak and low moan fell from him and his lips parted wider, his tongue sliding forward to meet Christian’s as he pressed impossibly closer to the man.

There was something different about the kiss, it was amazing and it felt like coming home, but Chad felt a little fragile in Christian's arms and he loosened his grip slightly. "Chad," he whispered against the man's mouth. "Don't give up on me just yet," he said softly. His lips moved along Chad's jaw and he nosed into the blonde hair he'd missed so much. "Please," he murmured.

Arms tightening around Christian’s shoulders, Chad let his head fall to the side to give Christian more room to kiss. “I haven’t,” he whispered, squeezing his eyes tightly shut. “Does this- does it mean you still want me?” He was losing himself in the heat from the man’s body, the gentle pass of his lips, and Chad would be content to never get up off this floor as long as he could have this.

"Jesus, Chad. Yes, _God_. Can't you tell? I've been goin' crazy here." Christian's voice was soft, Chad almost cradled in his embrace. "Been having to dial numbers blind for a week 'cause I couldn't get rid of my damned phone. _Just_ because you were on it." Rocking slowly, Christian pressed kisses all over Chad's face, then pulled back slightly. "I said I'd call when ... I mean...I still feel exactly the same."

“I just,” Chad laughed weakly and let his fingers rest over Christian’s jaw. “I know what I said, you know, and I ruined everything; I know it wasn’t what you wanted to hear. And I just want you to know I won’t push for that again, okay? Your pace, as long as you promise you won’t- if I ruin things again give me more than three days before you move on, okay?” He dipped forward to rest his forehead against Christian’s, breathing the man’s fresh, clean, almost non-existent scent. It was still better than the usual hints of alcohol.

Groaning softly, Christian cupped the back of Chad's skull. "I never moved on, Chad. Fuck, I just don't even know how to act like an adult sometimes. I've made so many bad choices and...God. I never moved on. Not for an instant. I fucked up. It was stupid." He brought Chad closer still until his face was almost buried in the crook of Christian's shoulder. "I am _so_ sorry," he whispered.

Chad held him tightly and let his nose finally rest down against Christian’s neck, fumbling up to tug off his glasses so nothing would separate them. “I forgive you,” he whispered, pressing his lips to Christian’s neck. The skin was salty warm and Chad kissed him again and again, parting his lips to slide longer and harder. _Fuck_ he’d missed this. He’d missed Christian, so horribly that Chad wasn’t even sure he was living the last week and a half; it was like he’d gladly adopted a mind-numb zombie attitude.

Now he shifted forward and sucked harder, laving longer kisses along Christian’s neck, almost desperate for the heat creeping through him that he’d been aching for.

"Hey," Christian whispered. His fingers tangled in Chad's hair and he pulled him back gently. "We got lots of time, slow down." Pressing his lips to the end of Chad's nose, he smiled warmly at him and gathered him closer. "You wanna get up off the floor, maybe? Couch? Bed? Just... we could sleep for a while," he added quickly. "I don't wanna rush you... us. ... things."

“Oh.” Chad nodded and pushed his glasses back on, rubbing a hand back through his hair. That was probably one thing where Christian seemed more mature, as Chad was more than content to rush things, especially if it meant he’d finally be feeling _something_. “I- uh. Sure, couch. Bed. Whatever.” He pulled back and pushed up to his feet, offering his hand down to Christian to help him up.

“Chad? I just don’t wanna fuck things up again. I feel like I do nothing but say that but _Jesus_... This is hard for me. There are still things that I haven’t told you - things-” Christian took Chad’s hand and pulled himself up. He stood close to Chad, head bowed slightly, their fingers twined together.

“So tell me,” Chad said quietly, shrugging, then gently pullied Christian across the room to the couch. He wasn’t going to lie, he desperately wanted Christian to touch him, he wanted to feel like Christian wanted him just as badly. But he would allow Christian to control things, because that was what Chad did. “What things haven’t you told me?” he asked, looking over at Christian as they sat.

Shaking his head slowly, Christian smiled. His head was spinning a little bit, and he rubbed his thumb along his bottom lip. He looked up at Chad, the beautiful clear blue of his eyes. "I ... " He shrugged a shoulder and leaned in to kiss the corner of Chad's mouth as his fingers slid up into the blond hair. Pressing close against Chad's side, Christian just breathed quietly, lips moving along Chad's cheek bone. "Stay here tonight," he whispered.

A shudder of pleasure slid down Chad’s spine and he wet his lips, breathing in slowly. “I’m not sure if I should...” he whispered, tilting toward Christian so their lips could slide together. He instinctively pushed forward a little, moaning softly as his lips parted against Christian’s.

Swallowing down the swell of emotion threatening to take him over, Christian tightened his hold on Chad's hair. "What if I don't let you go?" Dragging his teeth back down Chad's jaw, he bit gently at the man's bottom lip and slid his palm down over his chest. "Stay."

It wasn’t like Chad could really deny a direct order of Christian’s anyway. So whether it was stupid to or not, he half-nodded and closed his eyes. “Fine,” he whispered and his hand dropped to Christian’s thigh, squeezing softly. “I’ll stay.” He pulled back a few inches, blinking a few times to clear his vision. “And we’ll... sleep?”

Frowning slightly, Christian sat back a little. “You okay? I thought - I mean, this is what you want, isn’t it?” He smoothed Chad’s hair back from his forehead and rubbed his thumb over the slight flush on the man’s cheek.

“Of course it’s what I want.” Chad smiled softly and leaned into Christian’s touch. He wanted more, of course, but he continued to remind himself that Christian was right. “It’ll be good. I- I’ve missed you. I’d like to sleep in your arms and do- I mean. You know.” Chad laughed weakly and shrugged.

Christian's fingers tilted Chad's chin up until their eyes could meet. "You sure you're okay?" There was something a little off, some of the brightness didn't seem to be there when he looked at the man's face. “If you want to go - or, want to just stay here for a while. That’s fine. I just, I want us to see each other again. Can we do that? No pressure.”

Even to his own ears Chad’s laugh sounded a little pathetically sad. He rubbed at his temple, taking his hand off Christian’s thigh. Part of him wondered if it would be easier to tell Christian exactly what he was feeling and thinking, like he would have before, but it seemed so juvenile and it wouldn’t feel too good to listen to the reasons why it was bad to rush into things again. “Thought you were gonna make me stay,” he said quietly, pulling his glasses off to clean unnecessarily once more.

Sighing, Christian felt a kind of sadness seep back into him. "I've got an idea. Why don't we have pizza and watch a movie. I got this dumb frozen pizza but I can put some extra cheese on it. The movie is some western thing and you'll probably hate it but... " Christian leaned back and pulled Chad into his chest. "I can't think of anything better than sitting here with you in my arms pretending to watch a movie."

“Sure.” Chad nodded slowly, wondering if that meant Christian still wanted him to stay the night. Maybe he could just pretend to fall asleep on the couch and then Christian would have to let him stay, even if he stayed on the couch. “So if I wanted-” Chad cut off sharply when Christian’s phone made a rather pitiful noise, his eyes snapping over to the phone on the table. “Wow. That sounds awful.”

Laughing, Christian reached over and shoved it off the table. “Don’t need it now. What do you want? Tell me.” Pulling his leg up on the couch he smiled slightly, nervous. “You were gonna say something. What do you want?” His eyes widened slightly as he leaned in.

Chad’s breath hitched as Christian’s knee and calf drug along his thigh, the heat seeping instantly through his jeans. He stared at Christian with wide eyes, his fingers gently releasing his glasses until they rested on the arm of the couch. He wet his lips, considering Christian, trying not to think too hard on the fact that he was half-panting just by _looking_ at the man.

Then he was moving again, lurching toward Christian and crushing their lips together. His hand instantly slid back to tangle in the waves of Christian’s hair as his chest molded against the man’s and he scrambled harder forward. Christian fell back on the couch and Chad slid over him, thrusting his tongue hard forward to take as much as he could until he was stopped.

Moaning, Christian curled his hand over Chad's thigh and pulled him higher until he was straddling his hips. The gasp that left his mouth was swallowed up in the next sweep of Chad's lips and Christian's body shook. Heat spiraled through him as his hands shoved under Chad's shirt. They were like fire and ice, Chad melting against the heat of Christian's body. The _want_ was fierce, sharp, and Christian's heat was pounding.

Chad rolled his body hard down against Christian’s and as the man’s tongue slid forward, Chad sucked it hard. His heart was racing and his body felt like it was on fire. _This_. Chad had been so desperate for it that the pleasure now was almost dizzying. He pulled back from the kiss and alternated biting and licking his away along Christian’s jaw, down along his neck, pulling the man’s shirt to the side so he could trace the curve of his collarbone.

"Jesus," Christian whispered. It had only been days that he'd been away from Chad but it felt like a million years. _Too_ long. Chad moved against him desperately, his hands clawing roughly at Christian's shirt, his entire body pressing down, sliding and rubbing. Moaning louder, Christian shoved Chad back so he could sit up and grabbed the bottom of the younger man's shirt.

Their lips parted long enough for the shirt to slip off over Chad's head and then Christian's hand was curled around the nape of Chad's neck, pulling him in to slam their mouths together again. Nails dragged down the bare flesh of Chad's back, and Christian bit down on the man's bottom lip, tongue sliding forward to reclaim the wet heat of his mouth.

Moaning sharp and loud into the kiss, Chad opened his mouth wider, allowing Christian to taste and claim every inch of him. His stomach rolled and his heart skipped every other beat as Christian’s nails slid down his skin. Hips rolling desperately down against the man’s, Chad clung to the hope that Christian wasn’t going to push him away, that he was actually going to allow this.

Jerking back from the kiss, Chad’s head fell back and he exposed his throat in the way he always did before when he wanted Christian to thoroughly claim him but he didn’t know how to ask.

Christian slid his hand up the long line of Chad's neck until he could grip the man's jaw. Groaning, he leaned forward to drag his teeth down Chad's windpipe, teeth crazy over the flesh, probably biting a little too hard. But, _fuck_ , Chad was just making him crazy. "We gotta, I want-" Christian pushed Chad off his lap, holding his waist until he was sure he could stand.

Chad looked a little dazed, his face flushed red, his breath coming in small puffs of hot air. Christian stood and slid up Chad's body, hands moving up his sides. Tilting his head up slightly, he kissed the man's bottom lip. "C'mon," he muttered thickly.

“Please,” Chad half gasped, letting Christian tug him forward. “Christian. I know you want to wait, you wanna do things right, but I want this. Please, even if it’s just once. I just need to feel something, feel you, need to know you want me that way.” Chad’s shoulder bumped into the wall just outside Christian’s bedroom and his feet shuffled on the carpet as he stared at the large bed taking up most of the room. “Oh,” he whispered, biting down hard on his lips and shoving his hands up under Christian’s shirt.

"Shh." Christian pushed Chad's hands back slightly so he could get rid of his own shirt. He hadn't even imagined that they'd end up there again, together, skin touching, hands moving restlessly over each other’s bodies. A few deep breaths and Christian was pushing Chad slowly toward the bed. "I know what you need," he said quietly. "It's okay."

As soon as Chad sank down on to the edge of the bed, Christian crawled over him, practically curling his body around Chad's. "It's okay," he whispered against Chad's chest as his lips moved over the feverish skin.

Honestly, Chad didn’t think it was that okay. He wanted to tell Christian to _use him_ and that seemed so far from okay it was almost scary. He bit the request off though, holding it back to use later if the need to give up control became too intense. His head rolled back against the mattress and his body arched up against Christian’s lips, fingers threading slowly through the man’s hair. “Christian,” he whispered, moaned, eyes fluttering closed as pleasure rushed through him.

"God, I missed you," Christian said. As his lips moved over Chad's skin he could feel the man arching up, his body almost following the touch. As Chad's hips twisted to the side, Christian's rough palm moved over his abs and he flicked the button open on the man's jeans. Less than a heartbeat later he slid his hand down and curled his fingers around the hard length of Chad's cock.

“Oh fuck,” Chad said around a sharp inhale, surprised by just how _good_ Christian’s hand felt around him. He didn’t think one little touch would affect him so much but his hips were already slowly thrusting up into the tight ring of the man’s hand. “Christian.” He moaned out the begging word, struggling to spread his legs wider, though his jeans were keeping him trapped.

"What do you need, Chad?" Christian stroked Chad's rigid flesh, tongue flicking over a hard nipple. Catching it between his teeth he tugged gently. "Talk to me, tell me," he murmured against the skin.

“You,” Chad gasped, which was the most primal of his needs at the moment. His heart slammed hard in his chest and his body jerked up into Christian’s touch at the next squeeze-twist-rub. “I want, I want-” Chad breathed deeply, his nostrils flaring as he gripped Christian by the hair and dragged him up until their lips could meet. He slid to the side until he could press his lips to Christian’s ear. “I want you to use me, Christian. I need it- I need to feel, I just- please. I know it doesn’t make sense, but if you could just...” Chad trailed off awkwardly, slumping back on the bed, and dropped his arm over his eyes to hide his shame.

Panting, Christian pulled back to look at Chad's face. Something sharp bit into him, twisted his stomach unpleasantly. _He_ had done this to Chad. "Doesn't this... don't I make you feel?" He tugged at Chad's arm, making him uncover his face. "Chad?"

“You do. I feel, right now and before, I feel but just-” Chad looked at the far wall, his lip quivering as emotion shook through him. “Sometimes I feel like everything just shut down when- when I told you how I felt, and when I stood outside the truck and you didn’t even kiss me and I had this horrible thought I’d never feel this again. Then the thing with the guy, and I feel like he was better, he looked stronger, he didn’t have these stupid rules I was living by.”

Chad groaned and shook his head. “Forget it. Just, let’s just do whatever you want. I’ll take whatever you want to give me.”

"Christ, Chad." Christian just pulled him into his arms and pressed his lips to Chad's forehead. "I did this - this is all because-" Because he was an idiot. He was an idiot who didn't have a clue how to have a relationship with someone. Maybe he'd never deserved someone like Chad to begin with.

Not only did Chad look exhausted, he looked almost terrified. It was as though he thought Christian would bolt at any moment, shove him aside. “This is just our beginning, right?”

Chad nodded, meeting Christian’s eyes and smiling tentatively. “Yeah, just our beginning,” he whispered and slid his hand back into Christian’s hair. “Still want you to use me though,” he mumbled and scraped his teeth over his bottom lip. He pulled back a little until he could see Christian easier. “It’s- Christian? It’s not really that bad, right? That I want that? It’s more than just feeling. It’s... being yours.”

“You’re mine - if you wanna be mine.” Christian’s voice was a low rumble. He rolled away from Chad and shucked his jeans quickly, then headed down to the bottom of the bed and kneeled down to pull Chad’s jeans off. “Get in bed,” he said firmly.

“I wanna be yours,” Chad insisted and nodded, shoving his briefs off before almost crab walking backward on the bed until he was sitting against the headboard. He felt weirdly small sitting on Christian’s bed and he slid his hand over his thigh, stroking gently over his cock to keep it firm and pulsing. “I like your bed,” he murmured, eyes trailing down Christian's body appreciatively.

Shaking his head slightly, Christian's mouth curled into a crooked smile. He licked his lips, standing there at the end of the bed for a few moments, just drinking in the sight of Chad's body, and then he sank down and crawled up to sit beside him. "Show me," Christian said. Reaching across Chad's chest he grabbed the man's arm and tugged him onto his lap. "Show me you're mine." His voice deepened and he nipped at Chad's neck as the man slid across his thighs.

“How?” Chad whispered before dipping down, sucking along Christian’s neck hard until he knew he had marked the skin. “Marking you?” He murmured against Christian’s ear and dropped his hand between them, stroking over the man’s cock. “Should I let you fuck my mouth?” He was nearly slumped against Christian’s body and suddenly so overwhelmed with heat it was almost too much. “Or should I ride you? Just like this? Don’t think you got to fuck me nearly enough.” Chad tightened his hand around Christian’s cock, stroking teasingly slow.

"Yes, _God_ , Chad. Do it - ride me." Christian's growl was low, aggressive, and his hand twined tightly in Chad's hair. "Now." He pressed his hips up, sliding his cock through Chad's grasp. Yanking Chad forward, he crushed their mouths together. Every single moment he'd thought about Chad while they were apart he'd thought about kissing him, pouring what was left of his heart into each rough slide of their lips, each rough drag of teeth. "Do it," he rasped.

“Fuck, I will,” Chad laughed shakily, breathless at the very thought. He swallowed thickly, falling against Christian to kiss him long and deep once more as he tried to remember why he wasn’t already lowering himself down on Christian like he so badly wanted. Tearing back from the kiss he blinked rapidly to clear his vision and stared at the man. “Lube. I need, you know.” He laughed once more, this time giddy and a little deeper.

Reaching out quickly, Christian winced when his cast connected with the night stand. Yanking the drawer open he managed to flip a bottle of lube onto the bed. His mouth was back on Chad's in seconds, hungry and urgent, tongue thrusting forward to move over the other man's.

Chad whimpered into the kiss, too far gone to care about what he sounded like. He fumbled with the bottle of lube and managed to smear some on his fingers, shifting around until his knees dug into the mattress on either side of Christian’s hips. He thought about twisting around to stretch himself but the idea of Christian’s fingers in him was too appealing to pass up on.

Hand slapping down against Christian’s good hand, Chad slicked his fingers over Christian’s, thoroughly coating the digits. Then he pushed up to his knees and dragged Christian’s hand back, sliding down until Christian’s fingertips ran along his entrance. The kiss was at an angle now, Chad pressing down against Christian, and he pulled back to meet the man’s lust-darkened blue eyes as Christian settled two fingers just along his hole and Chad sank back against them in one swift move.

“Fuckin’ stretch me,” Chad gasp-groaned against Christian’s mouth. “Want it to be you in me, wanna feel you spreading me open.”

Christian's hand was shaking, his heart racing - and all he could do was stare up at the dark that all but covered the blue in Chad's eyes. The man's gaze was fierce and needy and it burned right through Christian like a torch.

Sliding his fingers into the tight ring of muscle, Christian moaned. The cast slammed against the nightstand again as he tried to twist closer to Chad. "Kiss me," he said. Voice low and rough, he shoved his fingers hard into Chad's heat and gasped in a breath. "You fuckin' kiss me now," he hissed.

Groaning low in his throat, Chad surged forward and slammed his lips against Christian’s. His body rocked hard down onto Christian’s fingers and the stretch suddenly wasn’t enough. Part of Chad thought that maybe he’d spent too long as a blank slate and now he needed to feel so badly, that it needed to be sharp and intense. Pushing back, he shoved Christian’s hand away and curled his slick fingers around Christian’s cock, stroking in three hard glides.

Before the man could form any sort of protest or even inhale Chad was grabbing him at the base and lifting up, lining the blunt head at his entrance. In one slow, long arch he sank down onto Christian’s cock, not stopping until he was completely stretched wide and Christian was buried all the way up in him. Chad slumped against Christian’s chest, panting heavily, the sharp sting and burn of being split open almost blinding across his tightly shut eyes.

"Oh God," Christian murmured. His breath shook, lungs aching as he wrapped both arms around Chad's trembling body. "Breathe baby, just breathe. God, you-" Sucking in a breath full of the scent and heat of their bodies, Christian mouthed the flushed skin across Chad's shoulder and neck.

His hands moved over Chad’s back, rubbing, tracing the muscles and he slid his mouth up to press a soft kiss to Chad’s temple. “You with me?”

Chad felt like his vision was blurring as he straightened up slightly. His lips parted in a gasp as the shifting of his body sent Christian deeper. “I-” his eyes widened and he shifted once more, the head of Christian’s cock brushing against his prostate. “Oh shit,” he groaned and lurched forward once more, crushing his lips hard against Christian’s as he lifted his body and rocked back down onto the man.

He knew he was an explosion of movements, maybe even seemed out of control to Christian, but he wanted to latch onto each feeling and chase it until he couldn’t think anymore. And each time he angled his body down over Christian’s it came with a hard press against that bundle of nerves until Chad was shaking, moaning in one constant stream across Christian’s tongue.

Christian had never seen Chad the way he was. He was writhing, gasping for air and trembling as his hands scrabbled at Christian's chest, back - anywhere he could reach. It was frantic and heart-wrenching and hot and Christian’s emotions tangled up inside him until it was nearly impossible to sort them apart.

With a deep moan, Christian curved his hand over Chad's cheek and held him back slightly. "Look at me," he whispered. "I need to see your eyes."

It took actual effort for Chad to blink his eyes open and fix them on Christian. He was panting roughly, muscles clenching slowly around the man as he sucked in greedy, deep breaths. “Christian?” he asked quietly, his voice quivering. What if Christian was about to tell him he was doing something wrong? What if this wasn’t enough? “You want to control things?” he asked quietly, biting down on his lip to keep it from shaking.

Tilting his head slowly, Christian blew out a breath. "Chad, I -" His voice broke and he leaned in to place a soft kiss to the corner of Chad's mouth. His hips rocked up slightly, hands sliding down to catch on Chad's waist and hold him there. "Chad, I love you," Christian whispered when their eyes met again.

It felt like the air had been sucked out of the room and Chad stared at Christian in disbelief. That was possibly the last thing he expected to hear from Christian’s lips. Not when he was so certain Christian was going to tell him at any moment that he wasn’t enough anymore. “Christian,” he whispered, gently touching the man’s cheek. He thought about telling Christian that he couldn’t love him, that he was just trying to make it better, but he swallowed back the words.

Instead, he leaned forward, capturing Christian’s lips in a slow, deep kiss as he lifted against the man’s hands, struggling to move once more.

Christian's heart beat faster, skittering about in his chest and he moaned deeply. His entire body was on fire, and Chad's was slick with sweat. A shudder trickled down Christian's body and he slid his good hand up into Chad's hair. Gripping tightly, he pushed his hips up, sinking his throbbing cock deeper.

As the pleasure coursed through him, Chad tore back from the kiss and tilted his head back, spine arching as he rocked down onto his lover. Christian’s hand tightened in his hair and Chad moaned, fingers curving over the man’s shoulders and digging into his skin. Once more, each rock down sent his lover’s cock up against his prostate and Chad keened. He was going to come and Christian hadn’t even touched his own rock hard cock.

In one swift movement, Chad fell forward and his lips slammed against Christian’s. His orgasm tore through him with blinding heat as Christian’s cock drove hard up into him. His muscles tightened vice-like around his lover and Chad’s entire body shook with the bursts of come sliding white hot over their chests.

A whimper left Christian's lips and he rocked up once more against Chad's weight. The man's release was hot and slick and Christian came as Chad's muscles tightened around his cock.

Body jolting forward, Christian circled his arms around Chad and held him, pressing Chad as close to his chest as he could. He shuddered, his orgasm coiling around his spine and squeezing until his cock throbbed and pulsed out come into the heat of his lover.

Chad sank against Christian’s chest, sucking in slow breaths and smiling softly at the familiar musky scent of fantastic sex and that thing that was completely _Christian_. He was fairly certain it had never been this intense between them.

He laid against Christian for what felt like hours, until he’d caught his breath and his heart was no longer racing. He didn’t want to move. Eventually, he let Christian lift his hips until he fell free but his arms tightened like a vice around the man’s shoulders.

Then suddenly, against Chad’s control, tears pricked along his eyes and Chad tilted down so that his eyes were pressed to the curve of Christian’s neck. The wet, hot burn continued to surge forward and Chad sucked in a shaky breath, hoping he could get this tidal wave of emotion under control before Christian could realize what was happening.

"God, Chad," Christian spoke into the man's hair. "What's going on? Please tell me..." Sliding them down lower in the bed, Christian rolled slightly, cradling Chad in his arms. His mind was still spinning with pleasure but now his heart was aching as he felt Chad's body still trembling. "Please talk to me."

“It’s not supposed to...” Chad’s words caught on a half-hiccupped sob and he tried to laugh it off, some oddly tangled noise falling from his lips. “It’s too much. What I feel for you. It scares me. We were together three weeks, and, and then we weren’t and I fell apart. After _three weeks_. And what if we don’t- if something happens- I’m not gonna make it.” Chad groaned and dug the heels of his palms into his eyes. “ _Fuck_.” He was annoyed with himself and he rolled onto his stomach, burying his head in the pillow.

Guilt slammed so hard into Christian's chest that he couldn't breathe for a few moments. Finally, he sucked in a breath and shifted, hand hesitating before dropping to Chad's back. He felt the man jump slightly and closed his eyes against the emotion that threatened. "Chad... I thought this was okay. I thought it was - I'll make this right."

Draping his body over Chad's back, Christian slid his cast under the pillow and tucked his good hand under Chad's waist. "I'll make this better - somehow," he whispered.

The firm press of heat over his body was enough to ease that fist around his heart and Chad found himself relaxing at Christian’s touch. It was okay, he wanted this, and even if he was going to lose it again someday, it would be worth it just to have moments like these.

He struggled to turn under Christian, huffing out a breath a moment later. “Let me roll over,” Chad muttered, pursing his lips. “I want you to- I want- can you just hold me for a while?”

“‘Course,” Christian murmured. “Just a sec.” Reaching down, he picked up a t-shirt off the floor and swept it over their bodies, then settled back down as Chad curled against his side. His hand smoothed Chad’s hair back off his face and Christian sighed. He’d hoped that things would go well - that maybe they could spend some time talking but then everything felt like it had gone sideways.

It hadn’t been his intention at all to end up in bed with Chad, let alone cause the man so much pain. “We need to talk, Chad.”

Chad stiffened, his breath catching in his throat. “Right now?” he asked quietly, his arm sliding over Christian’s chest and latching on tight.

“No, it doesn’t have to be right now.” Christian tucked a strand of hair behind Chad’s ear and let his hand settle over Chad’s neck. “We need to spend some time together, you and me,” he said softly. “Come away with me for a few days, nowhere special. Just you and me and the truck. Some bad country music and fresh air. What ya think?”

“Over the weekend,” Chad agreed quietly, laying his hand flat on Christian’s chest and sliding over until he could feel his heartbeat. He had a distinct memory of drawing hearts over the man’s skin and he couldn’t really believe that it had been less than two weeks ago when things were so _good_. Closing his eyes once more, Chad sighed and shifted his head on Christian’s shoulder. “Can we be like we were? I miss that.”

“Was kinda hopin’ for better.” Christian laughed nervously and gently stroked Chad’s hair. “We could go sooner. What’s the big deal if you miss a few classes? C’mon. A drive? And I could get the cabin again.” Christian’s heart ached. “We were good there, yeah?”

Sighing softly, Chad thought about the classes he had missed when he wasn’t really strong enough to get himself out of bed in the past week. That being said, what difference did it make if he missed a few more? “Okay,” he murmured and pressed a soft kiss to Christian’s skin, blinking up at him. “You sure you want to go with me? It’s- I’m not really- well, you know.” Last time they’d gone he’d screwed up. Chad was terrified he’d do it again.

"Yeah, I'm _sure_ I wanna go with you. God - did you ... " Christian huffed and shifted lower, pulling Chad up slightly. "Did you - before, did you hear what I said? I mean. I meant it. I know it was weird timing - but I want this." Pressing his lips together, Christian closed his eyes and shook his head slowly. There was so much for him to make right - he only hoped it wasn't too much.

“I heard you,” Chad nodded, his lips lifting in a soft smile that he didn’t really feel. Maybe he just needed some time; once he started really believing that this was real, then he’d be better, he’d be okay again. “Okay. I- I’ll stop. You know, asking.” He laughed weakly and leaned forward, tilting away at the last moment so his cheek ended up sliding against Christian’s and he was suddenly hugging the man. “I’m scared,” he whispered, a soft sigh falling from his lips when Christian’s arms wrapped around him.

"I know," Christian said softly. He kissed the top of Chad's head and let his mouth stay there as he spoke. "Me too. I'm scared that I made too many mistakes," he whispered. If his arms tightened a little more, it was only because he couldn't bear the thought of Chad leaving too soon.

“I’m scared I’m too fucked up to be better,” Chad laughed quietly and gently stroked his fingers through Christian’s hair. “Will you love me even if I’m fucked up? I’m sure I can get better.” Chad knew he should tell Christian that he’d already forgiven him, that he was never going to leave Christian unless the man made him go, but for whatever the reason he swallowed that down as well.

“This is my fault,” Christian whispered. “You know this was never you, right? I mean - _God_ , tell me you know that it’s me that’s all messed up - you? You knew how to love right.”

“Ah come on, Christian. I’m just this kid who - what? Who fell in love after three weeks? Sooner, even. That’s, it’s not how it works. I was just being foolish.” Chad pulled back and smiled wryly at Christian. “The other thing though, yeah, I know that’s your fault. So we both screwed up. Guess we can just put it behind us and move on.”

Chad's words stung but Christian supposed he deserved it. Hell, he probably deserved a hell of a lot more. "Just foolish, huh?" Forcing a tight laugh, Christian slid his hand back into Chad's slightly damp hair. He let out a sigh and realized how much those three simple words had meant to him the first time he'd heard them. No one else had ever told Christian they loved him - no one that he'd believed. "Yeah, foolish."

“Oh.” Chad frowned, not sure why he expected Christian to deny that. Sighing, he dropped flat onto his back and rubbed at his eyes. “Can we stop talking?” he asked quietly, not sure he had the energy for it anymore.

"If you say you'll leave with me tomorrow." Christian held his breath when he felt Chad stiffen slightly. "Please. Just say yes. Don't think about it."

“Okay.” Chad nodded, dropping his hand and looking over at Christian. “I’ll leave with you tomorrow.” The moment he agreed his heart picked up speed and Chad wet his lips slowly.

“Okay, now you can sleep. Looks like you haven’t slept since I last saw you,” Christian said gruffly. At least he had a chance to make things a little better. Letting go of Chad’s hair he tugged the cover up and tucked it around Chad, then started stroking his hair slowly. “Sweet dreams.”

Chad scooted just a little closer to Christian and curled against him. “Night,” he whispered and closed his eyes. At least he knew that as long as he was in Christian’s arms he’d be able to sleep.


End file.
